The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I went on my first late night walk in about two years tonight. The stars have always comforted me, no matter how chaotic my life seems, I can always go out, look up at them, and they'll be the same. Tonight they were unusually clear...and it made me understand some things about them that I had always known, but never really thought about in depth. I'll get to those things later, first I'm going to talk about everything that went down as I walked and contemplated.

The whole point of this little 3 A.M. trip was simply to get some cigarettes, and to let the chilly air clear my head. As I walked though...I realized that despite the fact that it's been two years since I've done this, and yet I was thinking virtually the same thoughts that I had the last time. My insecurities are the same, my pure, almost psychotic hatred of myself was there, my alienation from everyone around me? The same. I walked past an old friend's house, the only thing different was the fact that he didn't live there anymore. Walked past a few different houses of some girls I had fucked in the past...the only thing different about those ones, were the dicks that said girls were sucking. The streets are the same, the memories I've had on them, the same, and the drunk town people stumbling around...pretty much the same. Only instead of simply feeling slight amusement from watching them, I felt something else...Especially when they recognized me.
"Oh shit...are you Tyler?"
"..yeah"
"You went to MCHS?"
"yes..."
"Aren't you in the Marines?"
"I was"

The conversation continued for a bit, but my mind was elsewhere, these were people that graduated school the same time as me, but were still doing the exact same shit. That last part however stung.
The only thing I had ever wanted in life was to be a Marine, and I attained that goal, but then had it taken away from me, for reasons that..if you don't know, you don't really NEED to know. But what they say about "Once a Marine, always a Marine" is unfortunately true. I would give anything to have people not know what I did, every time they bring it up, it's salt upon the wound. I think that's why I've been drinking so much lately, because at the end of the bottle, there's blissful unconsciousness. In the past I could deal with all the shit my mind put me through, because I had something to look forward too. Now however....Now I don't have shit to hope for. So I'll spend my next paycheck on cancer sticks, and a shit ton of liquor, and my friends can take bets on which will kill me first.

Back to the main concept of this blog, which is how much nothing changes. It's kind of weird because 2 years ago the conversation would have went like this

"Aren't you Tyler?"
"Mhm"
"And you go to MCHS?"
"Mhm."
"Why don't you talk much?"
"Don't know"

Not much different at all really. In school I was extremely quiet up until about my Senior year, where I realized it wasn't all that hard to seduce someone, and had sex with more girls than I (or they) would like to admit. Anyone that has read my previous posts may wonder why I bitch about being single so much if I could "easily" seduce a gal...well I'll put it like this. Let your dick fuck up a few of the best friendships you've ever had, and then we'll see how confident you are about taking a chance by flirting.

Anyways...I got my smokey smokes, and walked back home, and that's when the suicidal hate kicked in. I've always kinda been jealous of people that kill themselves, I've never understood it though. Despite the fact that I on a pretty regular basis hope I get creamed by a drunk driver, shot by some gang member, or stabbed by a girl's jealous boyfriend, I've never been able to do the deed myself. I think it has something to do with my annoying habit of not liking to be beat, especially by myself. Ending my life would essentially be telling myself "good job, you win." No one wants their enemy to win, and the main villain in my life, is me. So fuck what that guy wants. Then I looked up to the stars in a desperate attempt to escape the voices gathering in my head, and that's when I made the connection between stars and people.

Despite the fact that we generally think of stars as always being there, quite a few of them are already dead. We're just seeing pictures of how beautiful they were before they exploded. It's the same with how people are. You see them walking around with a smile on their faces, but more times than anyone would like to admit, they're already dead. Corpses stumbling through life with pictures of the past stapled to their faces. I don't know what I'm trying to get at with this, but I guess it's this. We all have a favorite star (mine is the middle one in Orion's belt) and it could be dead already, but I don't know if that's any more tragic than any of the millions in the night sky. Each one is beautiful beyond words, and the fact they could be gone already, today, or tomorrow makes them all the more perfect. You need to look at the people around you in the same way, they could be your best friend, an acquaintance, or a complete stranger. It doesn't matter though, we all have shit going on in our lives, some have a harder battle than others, but at the end of the day, my problems are the same many of you are feeling. Cherish every moment you have with them, because you never know when their mask will fall away, and you'll be at their funeral wishing you had spent more time with them, trying to figure out how you didn't realize they were so depressed. If you're put in that situation, whatever happens don't blame yourself. They were dead long before their heart stopped beating, their light just wasn't quite done burning yet. And if YOU are one of the people out there already dead on the inside?
Well..
You may think you're just another anonymous face among the billions of people on Earth, you may think that no one would care if you're gone, but trust me. To someone out there, you're Orion's middle star. Someone would miss you dearly if you weren't here tomorrow. And even in the miniscule chance that no one would miss you, the night sky that is humanity would be a little less bright because you weren't there to light it up. I know how hypocritical it is for someone that freely talks about how much he hates life, and how badly he just wants to end it all, to say something like that.
But I already found the fuel to keep me burning. I refuse to give in to those thoughts, period.

Find your fuel, and hold onto it until your body decays. Rest will come for us all.